What's a deal breaker in a relationship? I asked this question of several people recently and got a variety of answers. If you've watched the show Seinfeld you know Jerry had a lot of deal breakers. There was the woman with the big hands, the woman who wore the same dress all the time, the soft talker and the girl who's toothbrush he dropped in the toilet. All of these seem pretty trivial but they are not too far from dating reality.
The challenge with deal breakers is separating the small stuff from the big stuff....like:
Biting Nails
Chewing with your mouth Open
Excessively Licking Your Lips
There are things that strike a chord in us and we sometimes think we could never date this person, ever. Like they say...they have:
Murdered someone
Sold drugs to children
Starred in a pornographic film
Do deal breakers really exist or are they just an excuse for not being attracted to someone? When we analyze details about people we're essentially judging them. We're judging that their behavior, actions or physical appearance are not what we consider acceptable for a partner. (Please note, I'm just as guilty as anyone of doing this and I'm trying to understand my own deal breakers.) When we look at another's table manners or bad shoes or bad teeth, are we really feeling detracted from that person or their bad shoes? Where do we draw the line from what is something we can't get passed to something that we can get around? Or are we just making an excuse because we're really not attracted to them deep down regardless of the stone washed jeans?
Does our list of deal breakers get longer or shorter as we go through life? Do we grow more accepting of things as we age and learn to focus on the bigger picture or does the opposite happen? We grow less and less tolerant with each passing year. We get to a point in our life where we decide we want to be single because living with another person is too difficult and requires too much compromise?
In my opinion I think the deal breaker list has a direct correlation to whether or not we think life is best enjoyed with the company of others, (as a couple), or by our self. Some people are completely happy being single so therefore they are less likely to compromise on things. The attitude of, "Why am I tolerating all of this b.s., I was perfectly happy before I was in this relationship." Or do we think, "I really don't like the fact that he plays Dungeons and Dragons at this age, but I'm happy when he's around so I'll accept it."
What about the deal breakers we just can't swallow no matter how hard we try? Like bad breath or snoring. How do you fix something that can't be fixed but drives you crazy. Do you focus on the positive things or do we take these as signs that we're just not a match?
I think when we are attracted to someone, really attracted to them, we possess the ability to look past small things because the feeling of being a couple is greater than any minor pet peeve. Maybe the deal breakers are just a way that our psyche tells us this isn't in the cards because if it was you wouldn't be focused on the fact that he is wearing a Van Halen T-shirt. Instead you would focus on the fact that under that Van Halen t-shirt is a six pack you can't keep your hands off of. You wouldn't focus on the fact that his hands are rough and he has raggedy nails, but the fact that he likes to hold your hand. When you reach the point of loving someone, holes in boxers, nose hair, leaving the seat up, all of that stuff seems to fade away. We have the ability and desire to push the crazy details to the background and focus on what's important and standing in front of us center stage with a big, huge spotlight on it.
They say love is blind. And I believe it.
But I'm pretty sure attraction is deaf and mute.
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
Work Hard/Play Harder/Laugh the Hardest and Love With Your Eyes Closed!
Mw
Well said MW!
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