Because she knew she could finally close her eHarmony account.
Relationships are hard, but dating is even harder, especially in a city like DC. Sometimes I think the initials stand for Douche Central. Since I wasn’t meeting anyone at the places I frequent most often, (i.e. design industry events, the treadmill at WSC and my sofa), I decided that I needed to start up this on-line dating thing again. I tried it out a few years ago and seeing that I’m still single you know that it proved unsuccessful. I realized that I must be a masochist to voluntarily put myself through such psychological torment over and over again. Do you want to know the one positive about being on any type of dating site? You have great stories for your friends, especially the married ones. My single friend described it perfectly the other night when out for drinks with a mutual friend. She walked into the bar and said she had a dating story for us, my friend said, “Oh, I love dating stories!” My single friend replied, “of course you do, you’re married!”
The problem with on-line dating is that we expect to feel the instant click that you get from meeting someone in person just by glancing over his or her profile. I know that’s not what the idea is behind it, but in a society that promotes instant gratification, if we don’t see something we like, we just keep looking. Trust me, I’m guilty of this as much as the next guy or girl. If I see something whacky I hit, “Archive Match”, at least that’s the eHarmony, (eH), approach. Ok, I’m lying. When I see, (and believe me it’s often), something strange on eH, I usually sit there with my mouth open and say to myself, “Are you serious?” I wish there was a way I could go through my matches live via a webcast because I guarantee everyone watching it would have a new appreciation for the partner in their life.
One of my biggest complaints on eH is with the photos. Guys need some help when it comes to finding the right shots. To support this point I’ve compiled my top ten pet peeves for photos, and yes, these are all based on real experiences:
1. How old is this picture exactly?
If the photo is grainy or you don’t have any wrinkles in it or suddenly you have a full head of hair, it may be a touch too old for putting on your profile. If the year portion on the date stamp starts with a “19-something” I’m thinking that you need to take some self portraits or find a guy on the metro and ask them to take a photo of you.
2. So you like to scuba dive?
I’m not sure what happens to guys in their early 30’s but something clicks inside of them and they all want to be a scuba diver. Maybe it’s the female equivalent of wanting to be a mom? Suddenly there is an urge, a burning desire to put on a wetsuit, learn to breathe through your mouth and take lots and lot of underwater photos. The best photos are taken about 20 feet away in very murky water surrounded by lots of friends. (Read Sarcasm) I like to run, but there’s no way in hell I’m posting a picture of me sucking wind as I cross the finish line of a race, not to mention how I look in my running clothes. You Mr. Scuba Diver, are wet, wearing tight fitting clothing that makes you look like Ken Barbie below the waste, and, the best part: YOU’RE WEARING A SCUBA MASK!!!! Maybe we should just stick to the written description and say, “I enjoy scuba diving.” I trust you. The same applies for the tool that showed me a photo of his kayak, without him in it. It was just sitting there on the dock. For all I know this kayak was at some random state park and he took a picture of it. That’s like me taking a photo of my sneakers so you know I like to run.
3. Ok, so which row are you in?
Here’s a good rule of thumb, if you have to give me instructions on where to find you in the photo, (i.e. Third row back, 14th from left), there may be too many people in the shot. And yes, this applies to the all too famous, white water rafting group photo. Don’t even bother telling me where you’re sitting in that damn raft; with those bright orange helmets on you all look alike!
4. Wait a minute, I just paid $40 and now I need to “request your photo?”
Just put a freakin’ photo up already, you don’t have to have 20, but at least have two or three. Don’t make me have to do another request to get the completed profile, that’s just being a tease. That’s like you asking for my number and me giving you everything but the last 4 digits and saying, email me for them. And for the record, every guy that does this is a big freaking DAWG. You made me wait for this? It’s like waiting for Michael Myers to take his mask off; you know it’s not going to be pretty.
5. Great, so you’ve been to Egypt.
Everyone LOVES to travel. That’s wonderful, so do I. But, I’m not going to post random photos of The Pyramids or say the Tower of Pisa or the Arc de Triomphe that do not include me in the photo, and then put them on my profile. If I wanted to see what the Pantheon looked like, I could Google it, for free.
6. So, I see you’ve got a cat.
And apparently he loves to watch the sunset from the penthouse apartment you used to have when you lived in Chicago 5 years ago. Why are you wasting my time by posting the most boring photo EVER on eH? I’ll be honest, not a cat person, the fact that your cat, (I don’t even know if this cat made the move from Chicago or not?), is watching the sunset from your fancy apartment that overlooks Michigan Avenue is just plain ridiculous. Show me something I want to see, like a picture of you!
7. Costumes/Wigs/Winter Ski Jackets w/Goggles & Motorcycle Helmets?
Halloween comes once a year. Unless you dress up on a weekly basis there is no need for me to see what you look like with a wig on. I would never post the photos of me in my Mrs. Brady wig. Those are funny at least. The skiing pictures should really be taken after the last run of the day when your jacket, goggles, hat and facemask have been removed. As for the motorcycle shots, can I get one where you’re not in motion and creating a big huge blur with a helmet on top?
8. Is that really another thumbs up?
If you’re going to post three photos, two of them shouldn’t be of you giving the thumbs up with both hands. Do you really do that pose frequently? You shouldn’t.
9. Are you expecting me to wear the pants?
I get it that you’re trying to show me your softer side, but the photo of you smelling the tulip, close up, with your eyes closed, isn’t what I’m looking for at this stage in my life. I’m terrified of spiders so you need to be somewhat manly.
10. And the best for last…..Bathroom shots are not funny, period.
According to one of my matches, he was being “crazy”, I call it being disgusting. He sent me the front of his holiday card from last year. It was three photos of him and his bathroom routine: one in the tub, one shaving in the mirror, and, yes, you know what I’m going to say, one on the TOILET, boxers to the floor and all. I don’t want to see anyone going to the bathroom, let alone some random stranger that I have never met. More tulip photos please!
And that’s just with the photos. There is also the plethora of material that comes across in written communication and then who knows what will happen when you actually meet face to face. One of the dates I recently went on didn’t want to put his Express down until I was completed situated at the bar, coat off, drink ordered before he began the conversation. Another date was so engrossed with his phone and texting that I tried to make light of it and said…
“Hey, we have the same phone”
eH Douche while texting: “Oh, really? And what would that be?”
I just squinted and tilted my head until he put his “Droid” down and realized how much of an idiot he sounded like by asking me that question. This was the same guy that informed me he’d been living in DC for over 18 months and had never stepped foot into a museum. I asked if he had been to the monuments at least and he said he had seen the Washington Monument. I told him there were a “few others” down there, too. (How can you have lived in DC and never stepped foot into a museum? Museums are what we do best.) It was shortly after that response that I blurted out, “well it’s been nice chatting with you but I really have to get to abs class.” I wanted to add, “Oh, and by the way, if you’re 5 foot 10, then I’m 6 foot 2!” I’m wearing flats and just shy of 5 foot 7, if you’re 5 foot 10, then using “new math”, I should be looking UP to you, not DOWN! You false advertised your “product” pal. The bill of goods you're trying to deliver is not being accepted at this address; please return to sender.
As I said, dating is challenging and it takes a thick skin, plus lots of patience. I realize there are going to be some “boring questions” that we have to work through, (yes, someone told me I was asking boring questions), but that’s how we learn about each other and establish common ground. But even after you establish that common ground, sometimes there’s just nothing left that is intriguing. That’s not to say the person isn’t nice or good looking or smart, there just isn’t a “spark”. When I’m chatting with someone on a date, at some point during the conversation I ask myself one of two questions. If the date is going well, I ask myself, “I wonder what it would be like to kiss this guy?”
If the date is going poorly I ask myself, “I wonder if my friends are still going to be out after this wraps up?”
And that's my social research in a nutshell. I’m sure there will be more stories in the future. Until then I’ll keep looking for Mr. Right Now and you can keep laughing.
Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
-Fran Lebowitz
I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers. Now I know: They are people who have recently moved in with someone.
-Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City
Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.
-Susan Healy
Never date a woman whose father calls her ‘Princess.’ Chances are she believes it.
-Anonymous
You see, this evening has been a series of bad choices combined with big expectations on my part and very poor manners paired with an enormous ego on your part. If I look at each element of disappointment individually none of them serve as deal breakers so to speak, but I’m forced to make a decision based on all evidence that has been presented which leads me to the conclusion that you and I should definitely…definitely not go on another date.
-M. Wilson
