It’s not a mystery, I’m single; it’s that simple.

There is a question that I’m repeatedly asked, “Why are you single?” Or the other slightly more distasteful, “Why are you still single?” I get asked this question by friends, co-workers, and even people I’ve just met. I’m not sure if it’s meant as a compliment in the form of a question but I can think of many other non-offensive ways of paying a compliment. I get it, I’m 39 years old I have no boyfriend, no husband and no kids so I must be out frantically looking to change my situation. I believe that life isn’t about finding someone to dance with on the dance floor before the music is over, sometimes it’s about finding the strength to dance alone to the beat of your own drum.

Let me start by debunking a few myths you may have about single people, or more specifically, about me.

Myth #1: I’m lonely.

A lot of people assume that if you don’t have the same things they have in their life that you must be missing out. You must be lonely if you’re not in a relationship. How could you possibly be content, fulfilled, happy, when you’re all by yourself?

First off, though I may be a party of one, and at times alone, that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. According to Webster’s Dictionary alone means exclusive of anyone or anything else. Lonely on the other hand means sad from being apart from other people. To make myself perfectly clear, I’m not lonely or sad. Yes, I’m a party of one, period no comma or plus signs.

Myth #2: I’m bitter.

The other question or comment I hear frequently is that I must be bitter. (I mean, I must be right?) Not true. Most of my family and friends are in committed relationships and I’m supportive of their relationships. I’m not envious and I have no secret ill will towards any of them because they have companionship and I don’t, it’s that simple.

My sister Bobbe will be celebrating 29 years of marriage this summer. I could not be happier for her and my brother-in-law, Dan. I only have one word for them, “Bravo!” This is an accomplishment that a lot of people will never experience, myself included. But just because I may not experience that type of bliss in a relationship doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for someone else who does. It’s very easy to be supportive and happy for people who have different things from us. The first step is to stop comparing yourself to other people and stop making things about you. My sister and brother-in-law have been blessed in a very special way and I’m happy that they found each other and that I have them as (one of many) role models for a positive relationship.

Myth #3: I’m not putting myself out there.

I’ve never really understood this comment. Where exactly is there? I go out there everyday, I mean I’m not hiding. I work there, I go to the gym there, and I go out to the party there, so where exactly am I not putting myself? Yes, I’ve tried on-line dating, blind dates, speed dating, etc. I went there and over there and beyond there for dates. I didn’t find anyone.

I know a lot of people that are in relationships. Each one has different circumstances which brought the two people together. I’m pretty sure not all of these unions where a matter of putting themselves out there. Sometimes you just happen to be in the right place at the right time. That’s how life works. Sometimes you meet someone at the grocery store or Starbucks. I’ve been to Giant and to Starbucks and no I’ve never met anyone at either place. I go to the gym, I go to parties, I go to happy hours with gal pals, I go to happy hours with guy friends, I go to church, I even went to an open house at my fire station, and you know what I didn’t meet anyone.

When you’re single, you have no choice but to put yourself out there. To me there is anywhere outside of my living room. I go there everyday so please stop telling me to put myself out there.

Myth #4: If you really wanted to be in a relationship you would be in one by now.

To me this is the equivalent of telling me to just settle. I should settle because I’m not getting any younger so the first person to ask me out I should just go out with because if I really wanted to be in a relationship I would be willing to make it work with anyone. The last thing you want to do is end up, *gasp*, single! (Are you picking up my sarcasm?)

If finding that special someone is so rare and finding your soul mate is such a blessing, than why would I ever just settle for the first guy who wants to take me to dinner? This completely goes against the definition of finding someone who really is your true love. True love is rare and unique; it’s the double rainbow, the four leaf clover, the perfectly yellow Bartlett pear in the produce section. It’s not the bruised and mushy Bartlett pear you find in the middle of the summer at the bottom of the box at Giant. It’s ripe, it’s yellow, it’s fresh………….and it’s special to only you! Stop asking me to settle for leftover, picked over, produce. I would rather pass right by it and wait for a better selection next week.

Myth #5: You’re going to turn into a crazy cat lady if you don’t get married and have kids.

The only thing I plan on turning into in my lifetime is an amazing, fun, energetic older version of my present self. Whatever I transform into is going to be a force to be reckoned with, period. I do not need another person or children to make me something that is considered acceptable in society. If that means living on a farm somewhere in Montana with 3 dogs (because I’m really not a fan of cats) than so be it. If people call me crazy behind my back it’s ok, I’m perfectly comfortable in my own skin and I don’t see that changing as I get older.

So have I given up? Have I thrown in the towel on dating? No, actually I haven’t. I may find myself in a relationship someday but for now it’s just me. I’m beyond fortunate to have the network of friends and family I have all around me. I have happiness in my life. I have balance and most of all I have peace. If being in a relationship means changing any one of those elements then I don’t want to be in one. In my opinion, being in a relationship means adding more happiness, more balance and more peace.

The main point I want to convey in this blog is this: Don’t assume that everyone has the same definition of happiness. My definition is most likely different than yours and that’s ok. If your definition includes a boyfriend, a husband, kids, a big house in the suburbs than I say, “Congrats to you!” But if my definition doesn’t include those nouns then I don’t want you to look at me and think I’m odd, or I’m a feminist, or I must be missing out and you should take pity on me. I’m actually just as happy as you are, really.

We all have different wants in life. We all have different goals. But we all have the same needs. To be happy, to feel that you made a difference in your life, and to be at peace with the person we see in the mirror every morning. At last check, my needs are being met just fine so I'm going to keep dancing while the music is playing.

The Deviled Egg Quest

This morning I made deviled eggs before I went to work. I put them in the fridge and upon getting home tonight I tried one.

It was A W E S O M E. I stood in my kitchen reveling over the leaps and bounds I had come when I first attempted the art of deviled eggs. Back in those days I didn’t even know which end of the egg was up. I had no idea what condiments to add, the spices, the quantity and let’s not even discuss how many times I messed up just cooking the eggs.

But tonight I was the victor, I prevailed! After I get done writing this post I’m going to edit my resume and under the skills section I’m going to add, (yes you guessed it), Deviled Egg Master!

I finally got it right! The eggs were cooked perfectly, not overcooked, not undercooked. My condiment quantities were an ideal composition of mayonnaise and Dijon mustard. It was egg-traordinary!

But this story really isn’t about the eggs. There is a much bigger lesson to be learned. I knew I had the hidden talent in me to be a Deviled Egg Master and it certainly wasn’t going to be perfected in the first dozen or so tries. So I stuck with it, I tried different techniques. I changed things up, I researched, I chatted with other people about their deviled egg recipe. I never gave up on that deviled egg dream and in the end it never gave up on me either.

I read a quote the other day that said, “Success is about falling down 7 times and getting up 8 times.” It was from anonymous. I think anonymous was secretly referring to the art of deviled eggs and may have overcooked one or two in their day.

Don’t ever give up on your dream. No matter how trivial it may be it is worth achieving in the end. I’ve made a lot of bad deviled eggs over the past year and a half, but tonight I made the best egg ever.

Sincerely,

The Deviled Egg Master

T is for Trouser Socks and it's also for Thank You

The best part about inspiration is that it can happen at anytime.

Though this story begins at DSW it’s not about shoes. It’s also not about why I despise shopping for shoes. It’s about trouser socks and more specifically the little things that matter most in life.

All I needed was a good pair of flats. I went into DSW thinking this wouldn’t take more than an hour. I found myself going up and down each aisle on the hunt for a great pair of flats. As I stopped to look for my size in a style I actually liked and found to be work appropriate I overheard a mother and daughter chatting behind me. I wasn’t paying too much attention to the conversation at first but as they walked closer to me it was hard not to listen to them. The mother found a pair of shoes for her daughter and asked her to try them on. The daughter put the shoes on and walked halfway down the aisle and turned towards her mom:

Mother (standing directly behind me): How do they feel?

Daughter: They fit, I think?

Mother: Well are they too tight, too big?

Daughter: No, they just feel weird and I don’t know what kind of socks I could wear with them?

Mother: You need to wear trouser socks with shoes like that, you can’t go barefoot or you’ll get blisters.

Daughter: Trouser socks? What are trouser socks?

With those four little words I was suddenly thinking of my own mom. My mom taught me about trouser socks. Actually, my mom taught me a lot about fashion, and make-up and all of the many details that go into being a girl. When it comes to teaching girls about life-details there are a lot of chapters to cover. I’m fortunate that my mom laid good groundwork for me and my sisters helped me hone my skills along the way.

What I loved most about witnessing this conversation between the mother and daughter and hearing the mom explain the definition of trouser socks was that it was a real conversation. It was a mom and a daughter speaking to each other directly, no phones, no iPads, no one but just the two of them. Though I’m not a parent, I can imagine the difficulties in trying to have a conversation with your teenage child, even when it’s about a topic as silly as trouser socks. It seems like we live in an age now where kids Google everything to find the answers. When I was growing up there was no Google. If you didn’t know the answer to something you know what you did? You asked your mom. If she didn’t know the answer she would tell you to go ask your father. And if he didn’t know you asked the closest sibling. That’s how research was performed when I was a kid and as you can imagine, it sure was a lot slower than Google. What Google makes up for in speed it certainly can’t make up for in personalization and learning from your parents and siblings.

My mind wandered from trouser socks to the days of elementary, (pronounced elemen-terry because I’m from Upstate NY), school when my mom selected my outfit every day of the week. I remember wearing lots of dresses, lots of stockings and lots of dress shoes. I don’t think I even wore jeans to school until I was in middle school. My mom made sure I was always dressed up and looking decent to be in public. I didn’t always like wearing dresses, especially when I was really young. I wanted to wear pants and sneakers. Now that I’m older I appreciate the effort my mom put into teaching me how to dress and how to dress appropriately for an activity or an event. I learned that you don’t wear white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, you don’t wear velvet in the summer, horizontal stripes make you look wider, and you don’t wear black underwear under white pants. I still apply the rules I was taught as a kid but now I actually prefer to “dress up” when it comes to work. Dresses and skirts are more of the norm and even on Fridays jeans just don’t feel right.

I imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have a mom or sisters to assist me with these challenges, or even worse and much scarier of a thought……………if my dad had to dress me. Being an avid hunter, my dad is a big fan of LL Bean and Land’s End. I envision my closet would have seen a lot more denim, a lot more flannel shirts and I doubt I would own any trouser socks.

There are plenty of times my mom was probably wondering if I was listening to her when she was teaching me about clothes or other life lessons. I’m sure there were times that she was convinced that I wasn’t listening at all. The truth is I was listening. I was listening every time she told me that I couldn’t wear a t-shirt to school because it was too casual, or when she refused to let me walk out of the house with a wrinkled skirt and would iron something at the last minute for me and I certainly noted every act of tailoring she ever did to bring up a hem, mend a hole or sew a button on to a coat. I noticed all of them.

Some may say that these things don’t matter at all and that our clothes are just material items. But it’s not about the clothes it’s about the way you felt wearing the clothes. Clothing is one of the first ways we learn to express our personality and exercise our creativity. When you’re wearing a completed outfit you feel complete. (By complete I mean tailored, ironed, age appropriate, activity appropriate, comfortable and well-fitted.) A great outfit can make you feel great and when you feel great you’re confident. I think young girls need as many confidence boosters as possible and that boost can come from a great outfit, a great pair of shoes or just a simple pair of great trouser socks.

Moms wear a lot of hats. You can call them caregiver, nurse, teacher, coach, driver, chef, seamstress, advisor and so much more. But to me, I think the best word is gambler. (Yes, a gambler and your mom is a gambler, too.) In order for anyone to enter into a lifetime commitment, with no instruction manual and no guaranteed return on investment you have to be willing to gamble (and quite possibly a bit crazy). It takes a lot of risk to be willing to invest in another person with all of the knowledge in your mind, the experiences of your life and the love in your heart. It takes patience, it takes strength and it takes an extraordinary amount of faith.

Saying thank you to your mom on Mother’s Day may seem a little ubiquitous but it is probably the best two words you could say to the person who has gambled so much on you. Besides, shouldn’t the person who taught us to say “thank you” be the person who hears them the most?

Dedicated to my mother, Dorothy on Mother’s Day 2014.

Why I want you to run.

I stood at the start lining, freezing. I thought to myself, “Why is it this cold in DC, in April?”

I overheard a group behind me. They were pumping each other up and yelling, “#Let’s do this”, “# YOLO”, “#Cherry Blossom 10M”, “#You can’t catch us”. I knew I had to separate myself from this group, fast.

The Cherry Blossom 10Miler is one of the popular running races held in DC each spring. The field is a little under 18,000 runners. As I looked around at the sea of people all shivering with their hands stuck under their arms to keep warm I noticed the variety of people. (Including a woman who had a shirt on that read, “If you’re behind me you didn’t train either”. Yep, not running behind her either.)

Anyone who thinks all runners are tall and skinny has never watched a road race. Runners come in all shapes and sizes and that’s why running is such a great form of exercise. Every race has the same three types of runners: the expert, (those who actually have a chance of winning the race), the “this ain’t my first rodeo”, (those who collect finishers medals and could line their driveway with race bib numbers) and the first timers, (those who have never run a race before and this is their first rodeo).  The most mysterious part about these groups is that you can’t just look at someone and know which group they fall in. The girl who is all decked out with arm warmers, the most expensive running watch and the fanciest running shoes isn’t necessarily an elite runner. She could just be a really slow runner with an affinity towards good gear. The same goes for the guy who looks like he may be 25 lbs. overweight, wearing a cotton t-shirt and basketball shorts may just be the same guy who blows past you at mile 9. I admit that spotting these types of people and trying to put them in the right group is one of the ways I distract myself while running.

Another mystery about running is your time. You want to know the truth? No one cares. No one cares about your time except for you. Unless you have a chance of actually winning the race and can respond to the question, “So how did you do?” with the answer of, “I came in 1^st Place!”, no one cares. This is especially true when asked the question by people who don’t run. They have no idea what constitutes a good time or a bad time. This can be a good thing on the days you have a really bad race and it takes you an hour to run 1 mile. “That’s great, good job!” (said by non-runner)

So now that I’ve unraveled a few of the mysteries of running I’m going to tell you why I think you should run. There are plenty of reasons why you should lace up and start running. As I ran the race today I came up with the following list.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Run:

10. You finally have a real reason to stay in on Friday night. “Sorry I can’t go out, I have to do a long run tomorrow morning.” And if you have gone out the night before running is a great way to get rid of a hangover.

9. You burn about 100-110 calories per mile that you run. Which means you can burn that medium sized bag of French fries off in about 3 miles. My point? Running makes you look at your food choices differently.

8. No equipment needed. All you need is a decent pair of running shoes. Running shoes don’t need to be expensive. Once you’re fitted properly for the shoes that are right for your feet at a running store you can find lots of affordable options on line. There are always new styles coming out and the older style will get marked down. Never have I ever overheard at a starting line, “Oh my God, did you see her shoes? They are so last summer!” Runners don’t say things like this.

7. Road races provide the perfect opportunity for your creative friends to make signs and cheer you on as you run by. Spectators are an important part to any race!

6. Not only do you get FREE water during the race but once you cross the finish line it’s a banana lover’s dream. You can take as many as you want. Actually you could walk up with a giant bag and dump an entire box of bananas in your bag and no one would stop you.

5. Wearing your bib number into your Walgreens gives you a free pass for looking bad, smelling bad and having salt all over your face.

4. Running teaches you short cuts. Even in a neighborhood that I’ve lived in for years, I always manage to find a new way to get to somewhere when I decided to run a new route.

3. Running keeps your ticker ticking. Cardio exercise helps your heart pump stronger and helps your muscles utilize oxygen more efficiently.

2. Running provides endless ways to continue to push your self farther. A 5K can lead to a 10K to a half marathon to a marathon. Each race provides opportunities to improve your speed, meet new people and explore a new area or trail.

1. Because if you don’t push your self once in a while to go a little bit further you will never really know what you’re capable of accomplishing.

In addition to these benefits I listed above, I should also mention the mental benefits. Running helps me clear my head. I typically don’t listen to music if I run outside. There are so many things to listen to and look at that I find music to be more of a distraction. I do my best thinking when I’m running because there is nothing else competing for my attention. Running helps me focus, helps me distress and provides me with an opportunity for inspiration. (Example: I wrote this entire blog in my head while running today’s race.)

The magnificent truth about love.

You can’t touch it but you can feel it.

You can’t hear it but you can listen to it.

You can’t see it but you can observe it.

One of the most powerful forces the human body can feel. It can bring you to the height of happiness and the depths of sadness. L O V E.

If you’ve been to a wedding you are probably familiar with 1 Corinthians 13: 4 -8:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

You may have heard these verses numerous times, but how often have you actually thought about them?

Love is patient. 

Love IS patient. In fact love takes more patience than anything else in our lives. Being patient is hard, but love is sometimes hard, too. But it’s worth it.

Love is kind.

Tonight after mass had ended I turned around to pick up my coat and caught sight of the couple who was seated a few pews behind me. The husband picked up his wife’s coat, waited for her to wrap her scarf, adjust her sweater and put on her hat. He stood there waiting for at least 30 seconds as she gathered all of her belongings and was ready for the final layer, her coat. Her husband was ready with her coat perfectly positioned for her arms to slide into. She buttoned her coat, he quickly put his on. As they made their way out of the pew he let her stand in front of him as they genuflected and when they turned to walk out he took her hand in his. It was such a simple series of actions, but it was definitely love.

Love is the simple gestures; love is waiting for someone even though you could be tending to your own needs. Love is letting someone go first. Love is holding hands. Love is being there, ready and waiting. Because love is simple.

  

It is not self-seeking.

Love is not about our needs, our ego, or our benefit. Love is always selfless. There is no expectation, no ulterior motives, no quid pro quo. We love for the sole benefit of someone else, we love because we can.

Love is meant to be shared, it’s meant to be communicated, it’s meant to create movement and in the process it moves us.

Love does not thrive in a grey scale world. It lives in the light. It is definitive. It is bold. It’s either there or it isn’t, there is no middle ground.

Love doesn’t require a turquoise box and a white ribbon. Love doesn’t require red roses because it’s Valentine’s Day. Love doesn’t require fancy things because it’s not a thing. Love is a verb, it requires us to act, it requires us to do, and even if it does require us to be patient or to wait, we know that ultimately that period of stillness will be followed by action. Love that is a noun is like taking a flower ready to bloom and burying it in a box. It sits there and the beauty is never shared with anyone. But when we allow it to bloom and allow it be a verb we see its full potential and we see something magnificent.

Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.

-Leo Buscaglia

Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.