It’s not a mystery, I’m single; it’s that simple.

There is a question that I’m repeatedly asked, “Why are you single?” Or the other slightly more distasteful, “Why are you still single?” I get asked this question by friends, co-workers, and even people I’ve just met. I’m not sure if it’s meant as a compliment in the form of a question but I can think of many other non-offensive ways of paying a compliment. I get it, I’m 39 years old I have no boyfriend, no husband and no kids so I must be out frantically looking to change my situation. I believe that life isn’t about finding someone to dance with on the dance floor before the music is over, sometimes it’s about finding the strength to dance alone to the beat of your own drum.

Let me start by debunking a few myths you may have about single people, or more specifically, about me.

Myth #1: I’m lonely.

A lot of people assume that if you don’t have the same things they have in their life that you must be missing out. You must be lonely if you’re not in a relationship. How could you possibly be content, fulfilled, happy, when you’re all by yourself?

First off, though I may be a party of one, and at times alone, that doesn’t mean I’m lonely. According to Webster’s Dictionary alone means exclusive of anyone or anything else. Lonely on the other hand means sad from being apart from other people. To make myself perfectly clear, I’m not lonely or sad. Yes, I’m a party of one, period no comma or plus signs.

Myth #2: I’m bitter.

The other question or comment I hear frequently is that I must be bitter. (I mean, I must be right?) Not true. Most of my family and friends are in committed relationships and I’m supportive of their relationships. I’m not envious and I have no secret ill will towards any of them because they have companionship and I don’t, it’s that simple.

My sister Bobbe will be celebrating 29 years of marriage this summer. I could not be happier for her and my brother-in-law, Dan. I only have one word for them, “Bravo!” This is an accomplishment that a lot of people will never experience, myself included. But just because I may not experience that type of bliss in a relationship doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for someone else who does. It’s very easy to be supportive and happy for people who have different things from us. The first step is to stop comparing yourself to other people and stop making things about you. My sister and brother-in-law have been blessed in a very special way and I’m happy that they found each other and that I have them as (one of many) role models for a positive relationship.

Myth #3: I’m not putting myself out there.

I’ve never really understood this comment. Where exactly is there? I go out there everyday, I mean I’m not hiding. I work there, I go to the gym there, and I go out to the party there, so where exactly am I not putting myself? Yes, I’ve tried on-line dating, blind dates, speed dating, etc. I went there and over there and beyond there for dates. I didn’t find anyone.

I know a lot of people that are in relationships. Each one has different circumstances which brought the two people together. I’m pretty sure not all of these unions where a matter of putting themselves out there. Sometimes you just happen to be in the right place at the right time. That’s how life works. Sometimes you meet someone at the grocery store or Starbucks. I’ve been to Giant and to Starbucks and no I’ve never met anyone at either place. I go to the gym, I go to parties, I go to happy hours with gal pals, I go to happy hours with guy friends, I go to church, I even went to an open house at my fire station, and you know what I didn’t meet anyone.

When you’re single, you have no choice but to put yourself out there. To me there is anywhere outside of my living room. I go there everyday so please stop telling me to put myself out there.

Myth #4: If you really wanted to be in a relationship you would be in one by now.

To me this is the equivalent of telling me to just settle. I should settle because I’m not getting any younger so the first person to ask me out I should just go out with because if I really wanted to be in a relationship I would be willing to make it work with anyone. The last thing you want to do is end up, *gasp*, single! (Are you picking up my sarcasm?)

If finding that special someone is so rare and finding your soul mate is such a blessing, than why would I ever just settle for the first guy who wants to take me to dinner? This completely goes against the definition of finding someone who really is your true love. True love is rare and unique; it’s the double rainbow, the four leaf clover, the perfectly yellow Bartlett pear in the produce section. It’s not the bruised and mushy Bartlett pear you find in the middle of the summer at the bottom of the box at Giant. It’s ripe, it’s yellow, it’s fresh………….and it’s special to only you! Stop asking me to settle for leftover, picked over, produce. I would rather pass right by it and wait for a better selection next week.

Myth #5: You’re going to turn into a crazy cat lady if you don’t get married and have kids.

The only thing I plan on turning into in my lifetime is an amazing, fun, energetic older version of my present self. Whatever I transform into is going to be a force to be reckoned with, period. I do not need another person or children to make me something that is considered acceptable in society. If that means living on a farm somewhere in Montana with 3 dogs (because I’m really not a fan of cats) than so be it. If people call me crazy behind my back it’s ok, I’m perfectly comfortable in my own skin and I don’t see that changing as I get older.

So have I given up? Have I thrown in the towel on dating? No, actually I haven’t. I may find myself in a relationship someday but for now it’s just me. I’m beyond fortunate to have the network of friends and family I have all around me. I have happiness in my life. I have balance and most of all I have peace. If being in a relationship means changing any one of those elements then I don’t want to be in one. In my opinion, being in a relationship means adding more happiness, more balance and more peace.

The main point I want to convey in this blog is this: Don’t assume that everyone has the same definition of happiness. My definition is most likely different than yours and that’s ok. If your definition includes a boyfriend, a husband, kids, a big house in the suburbs than I say, “Congrats to you!” But if my definition doesn’t include those nouns then I don’t want you to look at me and think I’m odd, or I’m a feminist, or I must be missing out and you should take pity on me. I’m actually just as happy as you are, really.

We all have different wants in life. We all have different goals. But we all have the same needs. To be happy, to feel that you made a difference in your life, and to be at peace with the person we see in the mirror every morning. At last check, my needs are being met just fine so I'm going to keep dancing while the music is playing.