My Life as a Seinfeld Episode

One of the first jobs I had was working in retail. I've worked in all kinds of stores; shoe, jewelry and clothing. I remember one Christmas season when I was working at the clothing store and running late. I had a tendency of always running late, sometimes really late. My hair was as big as my attitude and I thought I had everything figured out like most of us in our early 20's. As I pulled into the mall parking lot like a bat out of hell, going way too fast and frantically looking for a spot, a guy backed out of a spot in front of me. I had to slam on my brakes because I was going so fast and narrowly avoided side swiping the car. Like any 20 something who was at fault but couldn't admit it, I did what came naturally, I got pissed at the guy who pulled out in front of me. I waved my fist in the air and flagged him with one dramatic middle finger while mouthing words I would never say in front of a priest. The guy, who was most likely equally startled at the sight of my black Ford Tempo racing towards him and the sight of me inside with all my big hair raging around me, looked frightened for a moment, but then he returned my fistful of anger with his own. I locked eyes with the guy and remembered his face. He pulled forward, I drove around him and ran inside to work. The situation wrapped up as quick as it had started, at least it did in my mind.

About a week later, I was back at work for a day shift on a Saturday. My boss was looking forward to her lunch break because she was meeting family and they were going to do some Christmas shopping. I was behind the counter checking out a customer. As I finished putting her item in the bag I looked up and saw someone standing off to the side of the cash wrap but didn't take a good look at them. As my customer left my boss walked up and said, "OK, I'm going to head to lunch now, my dad's here" and she looked in the direction behind me. I turned around and low and behold there's the man from the parking lot incident! My boss made the introduction, "Dad, I want you to meet my coworker, Marianne." My face must have turned a million shades of crimson. He looked me in the eye, those same eyes that I had looked into a week prior,(and flipped a massive bird to), and said, "Oh, we met last week in the parking lot, I'm Tanya's father."

I had some explaining and apologizing to do that afternoon when my boss returned from lunch.

The world is a small, small place. And just when you think it's big, it gets even smaller.

This past winter I started taking boot camp or as I like to call it, booty camp. I took the class with my friend twice a week on Mondays and Wednesdays. We realized right away that there was a clique of sorts in booty camp. This clique consisted of the die hard boot campers who had been taking the class for years, unlike my friend and I. The instructor called the members of the clique by their first names which meant he knew them well. He would ask them to do stuff like set up equipment, put weights away, etc. I was kind of happy the instructor didn't know my name after seeing the chores he would make them do.

The clique had a group of girls that consisted of a few really butchy looking girls and a few really bitchy looking girls. As for the latter, there was a duo of a brunette and a blonde. The blonde was just not nice. She always had this look on her face that kind of said, "all of you guys could be standing here on fire and I could have a bucket of water in my hands and I wouldn't help you." She was the kind of girl who would take two mats for herself when the instructor would specifically say, "We ran out of mats, is anyone using two?" And she would sit there with her big ass on two mats and never make any attempt to give one to someone who would end up using their towel instead. (I know this b/c I witnessed her first hand depositing two mats back on the rack at the end of class; trust me she wasn't picking up someone else's to be a good Samaritan either.)

During our boot camp class there would be times when we would have to pass a weight or a bar to the next person in class. Most people would do it with some type of exchange like, "thanks!" and "no problem!" or "you're welcome!". Not her. She would shove her big arm out and extend the weight towards you as if to say, "You better grab this bitch because I'm about to let go, and if it hits the floor, it sure ain't my fault!" The brunette was just her sidekick. I never actually heard her say anything mean or act rude towards anyone. She was guilty by association.

A few weeks ago I had a doctor appointment with my primary care physician. I never actually see the doctor, I just go to the physician's assistant. After getting the blood work portion done I was told to sit in the waiting room because Amanda was running behind schedule. As I cleaned out my Gmail inbox I heard a voice call my name. I stood up, grabbed my purse and started walking toward the door. As I made eye contact with the person holding the door and my chart, I had to do a double take. Was I seeing things because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours? Or was the girl that I was walking towards the brunette from the booty camp clique? I took a few more steps, squinted and realized it was her. One of the booty camp bitches was my PA? How did this happen? I've been going to my doctor for years and have never seen her in here before.

Apparently, I had though. She did my last appointment in 2010 turns out. Somehow the connection was never made at the gym. Maybe it was the lack of a white jacket and stethoscope?

I followed her back to the exam room and took a seat. She didn't recognize me, or did she? We exchanged the normal hellos and she started in with the routine questions. It was somewhere between asking if I was taking any new medications and if I had any surgeries in the past year where I just erupted and said, "You go to the WSC around the corner on the Connecticut, right?" She was like, "I thought you looked really familiar. You're in my boot camp class." We chatted about the class, the instructor and how we were looking to do something different over the summer to change things up. I quickly realized, this girl is not a bitch, in fact, she's actually really nice.

Then my mind started racing as I thought about what the rest of the exam entailed. She's going to see me, like almost naked. I wasn't sure how I felt about booty camp cliquester knowing what I look like without a top on. But then I rationalized, she can see me without a top on in the locker room just as easily, if not easier. She's a professional and this is a doctor's office so I just needed to relax and get through this general physical. I admit that laying there on the table as she did the EKG and I was completely exposed on the top didn't really make me comfortable. She told me some funny stories about our booty camp instructor so that helped pass the time. Before I knew it I was walking out the door and heading back to work. All the while thinking, this is definitely going in the blog.

The lesson I learned here in both of these stories is that the world is very small. You never know if that guy who delivers your FedEx packages at work may turn out to be your friend's new boyfriend. The person on the elevator could be a VP from corporate that you never met before and that person you flipped a bird to could be your boss's father. Everyone is someone. The other lesson learned it that it never pays to judge people by the company they keep. It's a lot harder to do than it sounds and clearly I was guilty of doing it. Sometimes our friends act like douche bags and we can't control their behavior. But that doesn't mean we should be labeled or blamed for their actions.

I'm passing this lesson on because I think it's worth repeating and publicizing and I hope it prevents someone from making the same mistake. The older we get the wiser we get.




"Life isn't about learning to climb the hill in front of us, it's about learning to navigate the entire mountain range" -Mw

Learning to Share the Facebook Way

Thanks to Facebook (FB) we are able to connect to people on a virtual level anytime, anywhere. We can share photos, useless details about our day, a great sale at our favorite store or an impromptu happy hour at a local bar. All of this posting and status updating has lots of benefits, but it also has a downside. The fine line between "over sharing" and "connecting" has become so smudged that I sometimes find myself reading an update and thinking, "I really didn't need to know that." Everyone's "privacy settings" on their level of discretion are different. I am not a big status update person. The details of my existence are shared with the people that need to know and who want to know; this doesn't include the 400+ friends I have on FB. The great thing about any social networking site is that we are able to express ourselves how we feel comfortable. Some people are really comfortable expressing themselves and with that I have come up with my biggest pet peeves on FB status updates. Some of you are going to get angry when you read this, but this is my opinion and only my opinion. If you're offended then we can agree to disagree.

FB Status Pet Peeves

1) Photos of feet. I know what you're thinking, you were on vacation and wanted everyone to know you were on vacation but you were by yourself and didn't want to ask someone to take a photo of you, tried several times unsuccessfully to take your own picture and finally gave up and took a photo of your feet as proof. I have never met anyone whose feet were better looking than their face. I would rather see an off centered, close up of one eyeball than see a picture of your feet. Seriously, enough of the feet.

2) Photos of food. I'm not sure when this trend started or why, but what's up with photos of food? Photos of wine are good, especially if you're drinking alone. That way people know they should come find you so you're not drinking alone anymore. Trust me, no one wants to see photos of my food. For lunch you would see a spinach salad with tuna fish and carrots and craisins. You also don't want me to describe it in detail followed by the word, "yummy!" The word yummy is best used on people under the age of 9. Once you hit the double digits you gotta stop using that word. So unless you're getting personally served by Mike Isabella at Graffiato or you're on the Today show cooking with Giada, posting photos of your food is like white noise to me.

3) Photos of car thermometers. If you and I live in the same city, I'm fully aware of how hot outside it is on any given day. Thanks to national weather forecasts, I also know how hot it is in any other part of the country. You taking a photo of the temp your car is reading is not providing anyone with useful information. And if you're dumb enough to take it while driving you're just being ignorant. Do you really want to be that person who rear ended someone b/c you were taking a photo of the temperature on your dashboard?

4) Photos of cuts, scrapes, bruises or bug bites. If it's a sunburn and you have a big hand mark on your back, that's funny. But I don't need to see anything else. Sorry that you fell and scraped your knee. Grab a band-aid, put some neosporin on it and ask your BFF to kiss it, but don't photograph it.

5) The details of your sickness. If you're sick in the hospital I want to know. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. If you're home with the common cold, the flu or your hungover, you can just leave it at that, "Sparky isn't feeling well today, drank too much at Circa last night." When you tell me more than that and use words like vomit, mucous or (my least favorite), diarrhea, you make me feel sick, too. Don't over share when you're sick, less is more.

6) Any photo taken while you're driving a car. See #3; enough said.

7) Posts telling me I need to re post your status if I love my dog, my sister or Jesus. My sisters and my family know I love them because I tell them. My mom and dad are not on FB so I have to tell them the "old fashioned" way and actually tell them. Jesus knows I love him because I go to mass. Last time I checked Jesus wasn't on FB either.

8) Political Rants and Bashing. Again, everyone has an opinion. If you want to post something that endorses your candidate go for it. The problem I have is when other people attack the person posting and start bashing that person's beliefs. Write whatever you want on your wall and as your status, but telling someone that they're "crazy" or an "idiot" for supporting someone that you don't agree with is overly aggressive. I think all of us have friends that do this and any use of the trigger words Democrat or Republican can send them into orbit about whatever subject is being discussed. These people need to join a meet up group or start a debate team; leave my FB wall out of it and take your soap box elsewhere.

9) Constantly Checking In. I get it, you're out at a bar and you want your posse to know where to find you. But the gym? Whole Foods? Getting your oil changed? I mean what's next, checking in for a bikini wax? That's great your 2000 miles are up and you need an oil change. If a family of raccoons was discovered under the hood by all means, take photos and share it. But if it's just your routine oil change keep that between you and the guy at Jiffy Lube.



Disclaimer: The context of this post is not directed to anyone in particular and should not be seen as a personal attack in any way. This is my two cents, and only that. Post whatever you want and use your FB page as you wish. But when I start over sharing and doing anything mentioned above, please let me know immediately.

The FB may be responsible for decreased productivity in the workplace, decreased attendance at high school reunions, it can also take credit for increasing friendships, socializing and spreading good news and humor. And, I think anything that increases the amount we laugh during the day is definitely a good thing.



"Life isn't about learning to climb the hill in front of us, it's about learning to navigate the entire mountain range" -Mw

No Survey, Profile or Witty Email Required

I disagree with the statement that as we get older our "list of must haves" in a mate gets smaller because we are settling. I believe that the list gets tapered down because we realize what is important. The list becomes leaner because all of the fat has been cut out. I don't think you should have to fill out a lengthy question and answer survey in order to summarize what you're looking for in a partner. If you could ask for any three qualities in a person, what would they be?

These are mine...

1. Kill the Spiders.

Translation: Helping me face my fears.
Anyone who knows me is aware of my hatred of spiders. I rarely use the word "hate", in fact to me it's one of the worst words you can ever use. (This coming from someone who has a mouth of a truck driver and while at work the other day exclaimed, "Mother F*cker!" when my favorite pen died mid-sentence. When my co-worker asked, "Did you just say, Mother F*cker?" I said, "Yes, I did. I'm sorry if it offended you." He responded, "No, it didn't offend me but what happened?" I responded, "My favorite pen died. I'm left handed and it's hard to find pens that don't smudge. That was the only pen that I have here at work that didn't smudge, so it's a pretty big freaking deal!" He laughed and walked away. I'm pretty sure he thinks I have turrets.)

No, I don't think all spiders should die. Only the ones that ones that come into contact with me. The other day while walking out for my morning run I nearly walked smack dab into the middle of a web with a huge spider sitting right in the middle. I screamed and most likely woke up my neighbors. The spider ran away and with a couple of "kung fu" chops I was able to knock down the web and run for my life all the while splaying my hands back and forth as if I was putting out an invisible fire.

I realize I need someone to kill the spiders in my life for me. Maybe they can show me that they're not so scary after all. They can help me over come my fear and in turn make me a stronger person.


2. Put the fitted sheet on the bed.

Translation: Being a teammate with the everyday minutia that makes up life.
I dread changing sheets. Not so much the taking off part, but the putting them back on. I've tried all the tricks: do opposite corners, lift up the mattress corner, shove your knee into the mattress, etc. Because of this, putting the fitted sheet on the mattress has become the domestic chore I despise the most. I would rather clean my entire bathroom with a single paper towel and a tooth brush than have to struggle with a mattress corner. The tugging, pulling, breaking my nails and wrenching my back is a weekly wrestling match and I'm never the winner.

Some people say they wish they had someone that cleaned or cooked or did laundry. What all of that boils down to is having a teammate. Each person has the tasks they don't enjoy doing but when you have someone to help you out with the daily grind it makes life a lot easier.


3. Hold the sign for me at the finish line.

Translation: Support me no matter which race I'm running and what place I'm in.
Nothing compares to finishing a race and having someone there to cheer you on, either holding a sign or holding a water bottle or holding you upright. Everyone needs support and encouragement. Whether we are leading the pack and finishing in the top ten or bringing up the rear and finishing dead last. The support of someone who truly believes in you, even at times when you're doubting yourself, is the best feeling in the world.



The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-G.K. Chesterton



Someone Like You
-Van Morrison

I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you... etc.

I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realized
The best is yet to come.